[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day