“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Friday
Good news
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.