I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
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A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.
Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.