This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Monday?
No. Next question.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The prophecy is fulfilled
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Autocorrect completely socks
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…