@BuckyIsotope

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

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@PhriendlyCody

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

@karanbirtinna

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because Iโ€™m an Indian doesnโ€™t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

@NicolleDWallace

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. Howโ€™s everyone else holding up?

@david8hughes

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

@fro_vo

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@MsSkaarsgard

Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.

Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me ๐Ÿ™‚

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me ๐Ÿ™

@cat_beltane

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”