@FU_TangClan

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

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@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@Slims_Ramblings

Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.

@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

@thatUPSdude

(Stalker Diary)

Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It’s like I’m living with a monster.

@RodLacroix

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.