Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It’s like I’m living with a monster.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.