*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*

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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?


*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*


Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”


I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.


her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?


Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.


ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology


Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol