*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*

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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.


co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird


Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?


“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically


My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.


It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.


Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.


My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff


What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?