Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.