*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Planet of the Apps.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.