[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread