@CornOnTheGoblin

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

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@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.

@GrantTanaka

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific