Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific