okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You Might Also Like
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Every time.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.