There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?