*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?


Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.


I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.


In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”


Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.


Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.


Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.


The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high


Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.