Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
im actually a very hot person, don’t let my looks deceive you
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head