*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.