@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

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@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@mattZillaaaa

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

@jbillinson

Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Obama: No
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe

@NicestHippo

I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker

@jbfan911

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

@Phook75

It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name