*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.