Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
5 kinds of fear:
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?