@JediGigi
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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@JediGigi
@MelvinofYork
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
@KieranSoFar
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
@Lmao
5 kinds of fear:
– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”
@boyswearmugler
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
@SteveSuckington
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
@shkeeber
I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
@Tormny_Pickeals
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
@pilau
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
@man_spach
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?