You Might Also Like

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@Lmao

5 kinds of fear:

– panic
– terror
– 15 missed calls from mom
– “wrong password”
– “we need to talk”

@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@man_spach

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?