*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*weighs self after shaving
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.