*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.