*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.