ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip