*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.


Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.


Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.


Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.


fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin


I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”


[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip