@juneohara65

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

You Might Also Like

@truegritrumble

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

@sexyhandeeman

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

@BoogTweets

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

@OFalafel

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

@KimmyMonte

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip