@fro_vo

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

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@sonictyrant

ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@patnspankme

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@TheAlexNevil

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

@krisv_723

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

@djdarrellripley

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?