ME: [swimming with dolphins]
AQUARIUM ATTENDANT: Security! Yeah, he’s back again
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?
Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
According to facebook it is my wife’s birthday.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
E:I can kiss away your pain
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
this is so top tier i cant