@mommajessiec

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

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@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@minkpinkustink

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

@JediGigi

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

@mynameisntdave

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant