*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*


DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right


bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies


“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression


I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.


@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers


MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad


Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant