*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
You Might Also Like
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Bring back the McRib
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
White Castle for the Win
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?