The news in a nutshell.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*runs in place*
Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
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*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.