Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.