@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

- @ojedge

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@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@iamnotbillyjoel

“What if a dumpster could yell at you” – the thought that led to this website probably. Goodnight

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.

@PaperFury

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

@d_duhwit

Wife*comes home*: What’s that noise?
Me: U said to give Tim an anvil
Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed
Me: but..he’s almost finished my sword

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@Xoolun

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.