[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
You are not alone 💚
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
never deleting this app.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
my first dose meeting my second