@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

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@yenniwhite

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

@Julian_Deane

My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.

@Darlainky

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@qwertying

I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.