Me: Wanna role play?
Wife: Sure 😉
Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
You Might Also Like
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.
Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*