*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

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Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure 😉

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!


wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”


honey the ppl of atlantis lost an entire city & thats like 2000x bigger than a baby so idk if all this yellin is necessary


“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”


I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.


Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.


Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!


Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*