@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

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@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@vikkaroni

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@liljonlovitz

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.