*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get