*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

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My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.


i wear a monacle over each eye at formal events to ensure i always make a complete spectacle of myself


Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.


Me: no-


Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!


He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.


I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.


Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.