@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

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@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@AmberDonn

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

@SureYouDo1

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

@sonictyrant

i wear a monacle over each eye at formal events to ensure i always make a complete spectacle of myself

@daddydoubts

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@ShootyDoody

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.