My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
*Doing the hokey pokey*
Snake: guys, this is some bullshit
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
i wear a monacle over each eye at formal events to ensure i always make a complete spectacle of myself
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.