@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

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@SatansTongue

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU

BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU

1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU

DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU

??? ????’? ??? ????

@JJSummertime

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

@sugarwits

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

@lyric_intent

[Man on Ledge]

Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!

Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?