@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

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@daemonic3

everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING

earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*

@truegritrumble

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

@Cpt_Burnout

Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”

@murrman5

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@alexlumaga

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”