everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING
earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
4yo: what scares toast to make it jump