@prufrockluvsong

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister

@GrantTanaka

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

@fightgeek

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

@sip_at_home_mom

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

@chuuew

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

@SteveSuckington

[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….

@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@sixfootcandy

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.