tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[first time having sex]
Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?
Couch cushion: ….
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
this has become my life
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.