*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*


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tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister


got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price


them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy


Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.


[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”


[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….


A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.


He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”


Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.