*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*


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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.


The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.


Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.


The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree



“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes


My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.