Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
SPLOOT
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.