*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

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*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child


I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor


i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”


There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.


Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.


DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.


Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.


When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”