@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

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@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@8WARDBOA

I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor

@electrolemon

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@Ben_Langley_

When I’m bored, I like to hold wedding ceremonies for my kitchen utensils.

“I now pronounce you pan and knife.”