*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen