Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.
HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*