*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

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Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!


I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.


*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.


[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”


If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.


*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*


I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.


high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”


[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*