“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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*saves the date*
Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.
“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”
-no girl, ever
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
She truly is the world’s greatest athlete
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?