*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”


*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.


“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever


[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.


He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.


I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.


[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”


If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.


Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?