@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

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@SentenceReduced

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

@Vodkantots

“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.

@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

@UncleDuke1969

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

@Ennui_Raver

If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.

@IronWang

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?