@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

- @Ideal_Victoria

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@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@gobmentcheese

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

@Quartzjixler

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@bkdcasey

I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.

@koalaslament

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover