*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
dam girl