*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
For the baby who has everything
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.