@iwearaonesie

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

- @iwearaonesie

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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
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Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

@KyleCrunk

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

@Skoogeth

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

@bornmiserable

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

@meganamram

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

@jwoodham

VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Me: BAHAHA
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@FunnyTunes

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@ItsAndyRyan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.