*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
so, is there a mister shapen head
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper