Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
How to fall downstairs……
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo
Gonna put this up there and let it sink in…
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”