@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

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@NickSchug

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

@hythemafia

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

@chrisdowning

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

@mom_ontherocks

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

@EndhooS

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”