Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea