Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.

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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.


If you’re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored


Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.



My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.


“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*



surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*


Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?


LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.



So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.


If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.