Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
british sex workers really pound for pound
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches