Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.