putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
You Might Also Like
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it