Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

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humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too


I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.


BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…


Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together


[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch


Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”


Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle