Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
They’re the worst 😩
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking