Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Muppet Screams
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.