@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

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@Tmoney68

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

@MumInBits

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

@KababPapi

Americans: Muslims are so violent

Me: ok but police co-

Americans: shut up. Don’t judge a group of people based off a select few.

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

@BoogTweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

@desukidesu

bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM

@sixfootcandy

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

@torrami

An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people