@Dis0beyJay

*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

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@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@AmishPornStar1

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

@funflaps

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

@scott_towel

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@ThisOneSayz

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating