@DaddyJew

[putting kid to bed]

Me: I love you

6 half asleep: I love french fries

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@ZackBornstein

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

@yeetztweetz

*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

@CulturedRuffian

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

@BobTheSuit

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

@SvnSxty

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now