@DaddyJew
@McGrumpenstein
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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@McGrumpenstein
@ZackBornstein
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
@chelseaperetti
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
@yeetztweetz
*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly
@TheRealPalMal
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
@msdanifernandez
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
@CulturedRuffian
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
@BobTheSuit
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
@texasstalkermom
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
@SvnSxty
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now