ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
You Might Also Like
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother