Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect