Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.


*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*


my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun


Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.


“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”