Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”