Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.