@KWalps

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

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@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

@chrisdowning

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

@AristotlesNZ

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.