Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
@ candidates for local office
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.