By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.
I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.