[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog