[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
water it, i dare you
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.