[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.
-French Canadian on a water slide.
When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Woah, we’re half way there
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here