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@skankymunter: Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
@painted_eel: why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders
@LMLMadness: Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
@ashmensch: *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
"Oh no! My research!!"
@ObscureGent: The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.