Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

You Might Also Like


[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?


The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.


When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.


Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage


[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.


Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another


Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”


[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here