@skankymunter

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

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@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@MehrangizC

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@GingerHotDish

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

@PaperWash

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

@Tmoney68

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

@ericsshadow

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.