@skankymunter

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

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@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@Mickey_McCauley

The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.

@CoriTheUnicorn

When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.

@girl_a_whirl

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

@generaldietz

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

@ginadivittorio

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here