@painted_eel: why do i have to be asleep to eat spiders

@LMLMadness: Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@ashmensch: *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.* "Oh no! My research!!"

@ObscureGent: The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.