@skankymunter

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

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@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@Sara_Rose_G

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

@sofarrsogud

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.