Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.


Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.


I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?


*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it


I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.


Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.