Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You Might Also Like
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Clients after you give them your rates
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one